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really. [Jul. 16th, 2006|06:39 pm]
having to pass by the bunny that you killed really sucks. especially when you have to pass by there at least twice a day and each time you see it its flatter and flatter. and every single time i drive by i end up crying.

god [Jul. 15th, 2006|02:28 am]
[Current Mood |depressedridiculously depressed]

i cant stop crying.

i was driving home. and it was dark. and the next thing i know. theres a tan colored bunny right in front of my car, just stopped in the middle of the street. and theres a car next to me. so i cant swerve to get out of the way. so i try to make it so the bunny just passes right under my car and not under any wheels. yeah. it started running. and i felt it go under my tires.

horrible, horrible experience.

(no subject) [Jul. 12th, 2006|06:16 pm]
[Current Mood |lonelywishing i had a cigaration]
[Current Music |senses fail]

saw pirates yesterday with brook and his parents. it was good. and then later. when i got home. brook scared the shit out of me. cause he called me. it was like 2 or 3 in the morning. and i was sad earlier. and so i told him that i was sad and i didnt know what was wrong with me. and he was like. i think we should break up. cause im not helping you anymore. and ive done everything i can. and i didnt think he was serious at first. but then he was like. you can still call me if you ever get bored or need someone to talk to. so then i was like. wait. is he really being serious. and then. he was like. i'll always love you. and that got to me. and i started bawling. and he was like nooo im just kidding! and it was mean. :( jerk. and then he said that he doesnt think he could ever break up with me. cause im his other half.


i really wish i had some malibu rum. or baileys irish creme. or black cherry smirnoff. well. i just really wish i was drunk. and had a cigarette. dammit.

(no subject) [Jul. 11th, 2006|03:01 am]
[Current Mood |sadunhappy]

im sad.
and i cant stop crying.
i dont know why.
and when im with brook.
when he holds me.
it just seems to make me cry more.
and then i feel bad.
cause hes trying.
but only making it worse.
or so it seems.
because i love to be with him.
i love him to hold me.
and say cute things.
but for some reason it just makes me cry.
and feel sad.

i wish i was in his bed sleeping right now more than anything.

things with brook [Jul. 3rd, 2006|01:54 am]
[Current Mood |lovedloved]

so there was the climax. we're at his friends house. im drunk. this whole ordeal happens. a scarry situation. in-n-out. cops almost involved. it turns out they were after someone else. loud music. stop it. stop drawing attention to me. kablam. he lost it. i lost it. secretly. (of course.) slap. slap. slaps on wrist. he pulls away the rubber band from me. and we're there. they all go inside. its just us. quiet. hes almost in tears. "look you're good enough, ok," he says. im speechless. where did that come from? i hug him. "you always think you're not good enough. and then you do this stupid shit, or you cut yourself," he gets out of the car. "i'll see you later, cause i know you're probably leaving." but im not. i dont want to leave him. not now. so i get out. "who says im leaving?" and he comes to me. so i hug him again. and then it happens. "i dont know if i love you anymore." my heart shatters. the tears come instantly. and i let him go. "i dont know what im saying. im just so frustrated. im sick of fighting. i dont want to become like nicole and dj. i love you too much too keep fighting with you." so its over. the angers out. things are better. he cried his eyes out last night cause he realized im the only one he wants to be with. and its amazing. its like. we started over. he wont stop telling me how much he loves me. or how beautiful i am. perhaps its cause his friend just lost the girl he loved over some drunken one-night-stand and hes heartbroken. we've come close to that. and he doesnt want to see it happen. i have him. right where i want him. and its the best.

knotts rides and spider bites. [Jun. 28th, 2006|01:37 am]
[Current Mood |tireddrowsy]

knotts today. with brook. it was amazing. there were no lines. for anything. and the picture for the log ride. the best. we had to go on again and take another one. we were posing. the first one: him grabbing my boobies and making a funny face looking at them and me trying to lick him. the second one: him lifting his shirt exposing one nipple and trying to look gay while i try to lick and tickle the nipple. sexual. yes. but the way they came out were awesome. and everyone was laughing at them. we got on like every ride. even some camp snoopy rides. and we were only there for three hours. cool beans.

and spider bites. yeah. they suck. i have two. the hurt soooo bad. i cant even lightly touch them. and now. theyre getting so bad. that i dont even have to be touching it to make it hurt. its just always constantly hurting now. one's on my stomach. one's on my elbow. i showed my mom and at first she didnt care. and then she saw them again today and she freaked out cause the one on my stomachs turning purple and getting huge. so she made me go to the doctor. im on antibiotics. and benadryl. yucka. and yeah. spider bites especially suck when you go to knotts and get on rides where theyre constantly being bumped. or the thing thats supposed to hold you down comes down and is squashing the bite the entire time youre on the ride. terrible pain.

im hurty. :(

(no subject) [Jun. 27th, 2006|01:41 am]
one day i will be beautiful.

i dont belong here. [Jun. 27th, 2006|12:20 am]
[Current Mood |crusheddying to death]

it seems like no matter what i do i get bitched at. they bitch at me for never being home and coming home so late, so they tell me to be home at 11 from now on so i do it, reluctantly. so im home. for an hour. and my dad comes and bitches at me for still being up. because apparently ive been getting up at 12 every morning, but really i always wake up a little before 10. how the fuck do they even know what time i get up if theyre not even home in the morning? and then. i get bitched at because im supposedly about to go out again, when im sitting here in my pjs with my make up completely off and my hair in a stupid ugly bun. so then they threaten me that if i leave theyre gonna take away the car again. yes. again. they took it away. because im spending too much time with brook. wtf. it was really the wrong thing to do. horrible timing. havent they noticed that im spiraling downward again. yes. i know they have. i can tell. its like. all coming back to me. and i couldnt take it. cut. wishing that brook had a cell phone. or that he could at least get calls at 2 in the morning and not get yelled at. i needed so badly to talk to him. to get him to make me calm down. make me feel better. but i couldnt call him. and i lost my mind. cut. even though he had said that if i did it again we'd be over. even though i had promised him i wouldnt do it again. and i risked it. cut. its that stupid thought. that just wont go away once its there. when nothing else matters. but then. my friend called right afterwards. and her and her boyfriend made me feel better. but i still needed brook. and finally. he called. the next morning. when my dad gave me the keys back. pointless. i did it for nothing. i had no reason. so i went over. and told him. so sad. i cried. he almost did. and later he told me he almost broke up with me. horrible. he says for sure next time. and i believe it this time. cause ive been emo as fuck lately. low self-esteem. yeah. thats what happens when all he does is look at other girls. when all he does is say " that chicks so hot." cut. "god shes beautiful." cut. "that chicks so gorgeous shes like a model." cut. when he never says anything even remotely like that to me. when he leaves girls comments on their myspace pictures. "youre a hottie with a body. when can i tap it?" cut. and i always find them. so he stops leaving comments. and sends messages instead. secretly. and acts shady about it. and i notice hes up to something. so i have to hack into his myspace. go into the trash. and find it. "youre fucking hot. too bad we're both with someone." cut. cut. cut. w.t.f. really. ??? cut. "you need to buy me the new girls gone wild" wtf. why would i buy him something with naked girls. "cause theyre hot. and so i can have something to jack off to." i fucking hate him sometimes. god i feel so alone. i have no one to talk to. 1 boyfriend thats sick of my depression. 1 friend thats always with her boyfriend. out of reach. 1 friend thats a flake and wont stop crying about her own problems. i have no one.


(no subject) [Jun. 17th, 2006|10:51 am]
[Current Mood |lonelylonely]
[Current Music |poison the well ~ slice paper wrists]

so io got a new car. and i quit my job. i need to get a new one. soon.
things have been ok. my birthday is on monday. but brook has to work. :( i hate that. cause he went white water rafting this weekend with his dad. so he asked for four days off but they only wanted to give him 3. so he couldnt get my birthday off. damn. and im sad. cause hes gone. and its pathetic. i cried when he left. and i almost cried everytime something reminded me of him. it was so hard to get through the day without him yesterday. ive seen him pretty much every single day since weve been together. since october. i miss him so much. and then he called to let me know he got there ok and i almost cried again. god i dont know what id do if we ever broke up. if i cant even be a day without him. i shouldve gone with him. cause he wanted me to go so bad and he even offered to pay for me. but my parents wouldnt let me. :(

i cant wait till monday. not cause its my birthday but because he'll be back.

slowwww dowwwnn [May. 3rd, 2006|05:31 pm]
[Current Mood |chipperchipper]
[Current Music |dead poetic ~ glass in the trees]

so my cars been fixed. but. yesterday i got a ticket. in the exact same spot i got a ticket in last time. but this time. i had a lisence. and the car is in my name now. ha!

so. things have been kinda sucky.
until yesterday.
or maybe the late late night before.
cause works sucked. bad. i hate it so much. i dont even know why. cause its pretty easy. i guess cause i just dont like the people. especially diana. oh my god i hate her so much. i have nightmares about her. really. god shes such a whore. fuck. and then also i think im just not used to working. i feel like im gonna die when i do. but thinking of brook gets me through the day. haha. corny. but yeah. and i just keep telling myself that my reward for working so hard will be that i will get to see him afterwards. but then the thing is lately hes been leaving way early from my house to go hang out with his friends. and he makes it seem like he wants to get away from me. like im boring. i am. but still. and its been making me way sad. im off my pills. by my own choice. cause i had decided i dont need them. cause brook makes me happy enough to be off them. but this was too much for me. and i was back at that point. and i felt like things sucked way too much. with work. and school. my parents. and now i never saw brook anymore. hes what keeps me going. so i told him i was sick of being alive. it made him cry. but i had been crying way too much. and he needed to know. so he could help me. and so hes been sweeter than ever. but then. he got me stonned. bad. i had the worst trip ever. i felt like i was dying. and then i started crying hystericly. and i got him so scared. and he almost went to go get my sister. but he got me to calm down. and then i threw up. and he held my hair. haha. funny.and then. yesterday. i hung out with his friends. and we went to feed some horses. at a stable. by his parents house. and i ran out of carrots. so i stole some from some lady. and she caught me. and yelled at me. and was a gigantic bitch. and then we messed around the rest of the night. and then. at the end of the night. he didnt want me to leave. he cried. ha. how does he like it. biznatch.

today. i drew him a picture. its cute. i wish i still had it. but. no. its on his wall now.

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